Few things in life are as horrifying as items from your childhood now passing as “vintage.” Case in point: these Valentine’s Day cards I received in Grade 5. The cards look like they’re from another century! Which, when I think about it, they are.

Okay, I’m not going to think about it.

Why did I save these cards? I have no idea. But they were taped in a scrapbook I kept at the time. Maybe it was a way of holding onto the feelings of love. Or maybe it was more about that one time of year when it was perfectly okay for other boys to ask me to be their valentine.

I thought I’d share these relics from the past because they’ll be of interest to future generations. “Look at that thing they called paper!” I can hear them gasping.

You’re a real “CUT-UP”

This squirrel valentine from Mark was initially addressed to “Brain” but it was corrected to Brian. Spelling a person’s name correctly is one of the most considerate things you can do. Thank you, Mrak.

For You

Every class had a future Martha Stewart. This handmade card from Laura, with its carefully cut construction paper heart, clearly demonstrated her artistic flair. This card is addressed to “Brain.”

I Think You are just DUCKY!

This duck-themed valentine was unsigned, leaving me to forever wonder who wanted me to be their sweetheart. Life is a mystery. Everyone must stand alone.

A Valentine HELLO

Just to clarify, I did not dress like this boy back in the day. Penny loafers and white ankle socks weren’t a hot look in the 80s. Thank you for saying I was nice to know, Julie. This card is addressed to “Brain.”

Just FOLLOW My LEAD

This heart-shaped card was the largest in the bunch. Clearly, Jamie was trying to impress me.

YOU SET MY HEART AFIRE!

Marjorie knew her intended audience well. I’m a sucker for a man in uniform, especially when he’s wielding an axe. Although his blade is an upside-down heart to minimize a potentially confusing message of violence.

A VALENTINE HI

This card from Stacy has a poem on the back. “I’m an unemployed alligator / Who applied for a job as a waiter…/ But in spite of my style / And my warm, friendly smile / They said, ‘Sorry!…try again later!’” This poem confused me back then and it confuses me 43 years later.

IT’S SERIOUS VALENTINE

Justin knew his intended audience well. I’m a sucker for a man in uniform. Especially when he’s wearing white shoes and carrying a smart bag.

No Fishin’ Around

This card from Robbie is my favourite because the cat’s arm and tail actually move! See all the fun we had before batteries were invented? This card is addressed to “Brain.”

I’m out to steal…Your heart

Growing up, I was terrified of the Hambuglar. Not because he wore a mask and cape and lurked around preying on innocent people. I was afraid he was going to steal my hamburger. This card is addressed to “Brain.”

I’m Stuck on YOU, Valentine!

This card from Tracy is giving me Strawberry Shortcake vibes. Only instead of smelling like strawberries, it smells like the paste jar in the bottom corner.

Hi! how about it?

This valentine is the most confusing. Did Heather intend to cut it into the shape of a heart? Where’s the rest of the image? And how about what, I want to ask the flamingo? The back says, “I love you.” Heather was always direct.

I’m going to donate these to the Smithsonian for preserving. I hope you get lots of Valentine’s Day cards this year. And all of them spell your name correctly.

Sincerely,

Brain