When I was growing up in the ‘80s, collecting stickers was frowned upon for boys. Collecting hockey cards? No problem! But for whatever stupid reasons, stickers were designated as a “girl” thing. Rather than risk teasing, I never indulged. But that didn’t stop me from pining for the stickers I saw girls trading at recess.

When a friend from public school, Melanie, recently sent me some retro scratch n’ sniff Stinky Stickers as a joke, it struck a nerve. It was time to reclaim my love of the stickers I’d been denied all those years ago.

But do scratch n’ sniff stickers actually smell like they’re supposed to smell? I ordered 12 scents (be warned – smelly stickers aren’t selling at retro prices) and asked Melanie and another friend from public school, Laura, to join me for a smell test.

Evidence of my sophisticated methodology.

I didn’t let either know what they were sniffing to better gauge if the sticker smell was accurate. (I also have a theory that we smell more with our eyes than our noses.) I realize closing your eyes and having someone shove something in your face and asking, “What does this smell like?” can be mildly stressful. But they were good sports.

Which stickers were smell-a-rific and which ones should stay in the ‘80s? Read on to find out.

1) Super Stuff! (spaghetti)

If you’re ever served meatballs at a restaurant and the meatballs are staring back at you, send them back to the kitchen. I had my doubts about this scent. What do spaghetti and meatballs smell like, anyway? Ground beef? Ragu? Kraft Parameeshun Cheese?

A sticker will an illustration of spaghetti and meatballs.

Smelling notes: “What the hell is this?” Laura asked. “Pizza?” (At least she was close.) “Is this licorice?” Melanie asked. She later explained she puts fennel in her tomato sauce. My Italian husband was present, and I could tell he was deeply disturbed. For me, the only thing missing was the smell of a side hamburger bun slathered in margarine and sprinkled with garlic powder.

2) Bewitching (licorice stick)

This sticker confused me. What does a witch have to do with licorice? Any black-hatted witches I’ve sniffed over the years have smelled like eye of newt.

Smelling notes: “Is this root beer?” Melanie asked. We were two stickers in and already I started to worry about her nostrils. Laura guessed licorice right away, although she also smelled Pernod. Parents: If your kid is trading booze-scented stickers, I guarantee problems with them later in life.

3) Looking Good! (bubble-gum)

One Christmas, my sister gave me a gumball machine. I considered it a business venture. But whatever change I collected through the sale of my gumballs was later used to pay my dentist bill.

A sticker of a cartoon bubble gum machine

Smelling notes: Laura guessed grape, which technically is a flavour of gum, so she wasn’t completely off the mark. Melanie guessed cotton candy. I thought it smelled like Popeye’s Candy Cigarettes. The ‘80s were such a wholesome time for kids.

4) Poppin’ Good (popcorn)

Anyone remember when air poppers first came on the market? It was technology at its most fascinating. I would forgo the bowl and simply rest my head under the air popper, catching the popcorn as it slid down the chute.

Smelling notes: “Is this ham?” Melanie asked. At least she was consistently off the mark. Laura got popcorn right away. I thought this one was close. I got hints of butter, popcorn, oil, and even a whiff of the disdain of the teenager behind the concession stand.

5) Ham It Up! (ham)

My mom used to make simmered ham for Sunday dinners. Sometimes, if she was feeling Martha Stewart-like, she would jab cloves into the ham and bake it. I hated ham then and I hate ham now. Needless to say, this sticker was triggering.

Smelling notes: “This is meat,” Melanie said. “Is it ham?” Things were looking up for her! We all agreed this sticker hit the mark, although it was on the smokey side. It reminded me more of a forest fire than a cooked ham. Which is what you should do with ham: Burn it to the ground.

6) Snappy! (apple)

Snappy was a confusing word as a kid. It could be a compliment, as in, “That’s a snappy pantsuit you’re wearing, Brian.” Or it could put you in your place, as in, “Don't get snappy with me, young man. You finish that ham!”

Smelling notes: “This one smells like springtime,” Laura said. (Clearly, she had high sticker aspirations.) Melanie thought it had a perfume-y scent. “Like fabric softener.” I thought it had a fresh scent and smelled like every shampoo manufactured in the ‘80s.

6) Ole! (taco)

At first glance, this sticker appears to be a weird-looking kid with yellow hair, wearing Christmas coloured earmuffs. But it’s a taco; a smiling taco staring intently at something in the distance. I’m not sure which option is creepier.

Smelling notes: “This one’s tough,” Laura said. “I’m getting cumin. Is this fake bacon?” Melanie thought it was pepper. I didn’t know what I was smelling. Then I realized I'm not even sure what a real taco smells like. I blame Taco Bell.

8) Tear-ific! (onion)

If someone gave you this sticker as a kid, it sent a message that you should either bathe more or lay off the onion sandwiches at lunch.

Smelling notes: “This is the toughest one of all,” Laura said. “It smells exotic. Like frankincense. Or the three wise men.” (I didn’t ask how she knew what the three wise men smelled like.) Melanie took a long time. “Is it a hamburger?” I thought it smelled like B.O. Clearly, the sticker wasn’t tear-ific in terms of its scent.

9) Cool (root beer)

I loved A&W when I was a boy. You’d pull up in your car, the server would bring out a frosty glass of root beer that you’d end up spilling on the car seat and then your dad would say, “This is the LAST time we’re coming here!” Those really were special times.

Smelling notes: “Is this spearmint?” Laura asked. Obviously this sticker didn’t hit the mark for her. Melanie and I got root beer right away. The only thing missing for me was the sticky car seat.

10) Keep Rolling! (leather)

When I was a kid, I went to a roller-skating birthday party. I ended up falling and breaking my arm. This explains why I didn’t get invited to many birthday parties.

Smelling notes: “There’s something familiar,” Laura said. “Is it a baseball glove?” Melanie had other thoughts. “Is it cologne? Like that Axe stuff guys bathe in.” I was impressed at how close the leather scent was. Although the world doesn’t need to replicate the smell of previously worn roller skates.

11) Great! (cola)

I loved anything that smelled like cola when I was young. I had a cola-scented eraser that I’d inhale like it was Wite-Out. This could explain the blackouts I sometimes experienced as a child.

A sticker of a cartoon cola glass with straws.

Smelling notes: “This one has a citrus note,” Laura said. “Kind of like creamy lemon.” Melanie and I both guessed cola. I kept sniffing the sticker until I blacked out.

12) Whoopee! (green lawn)

For the record, no kid ever exclaimed “whoopee!” when faced with the chore of mowing the lawn.

Smelling notes: “This smells vaguely vestigial,” Laura said. (She was always the smartest of the three of us. I had to ask her how to spell vestigial.) “Like the memory of cutting grass in the ‘80s. But I know this isn’t a grass sticker.” (Imagine Ms. Smartypants’ surprise when she opened her eyes.) “Is this pepper?” Melanie asked. I think she was holding out for at least one pepper-scented sticker. I smelled dirt.

In terms of the best, we all agreed ham smelled the most authentic with cola and root beer coming closely behind. For worst, Melanie picked popcorn. For Laura and me, it was onion. (Or the three wise men, depending which of us you ask.)

I’m all sniffed out, although it was therapeutic for me. I’m going to start a Facebook group for middle-aged homosexual men who enjoy roller-skating and collecting stickers in their spare time.

I hope you enjoyed this aromatic journey as much as we did. A reminder to always hold your oldest friendships close. I can’t think of two people I’d rather be smelling stickers with, all these years later.