Some people like to dance salsa. Me, I like to eat salsa. I put it on Crispy Minis, in my scrambled eggs, and, of course, on tortilla chips. But I’ve never given much thought to different brands of salsa.

I wondered: Once you take away the sour cream, the tortilla chips, the guacamole, the Monterey Jack cheese, and the seven or eight margaritas, is there much difference between salsa brands? What makes a good salsa, anyway? Is it the texture? The freshness? A label that shows a rendering of a house with a tile roof?

I set out to compare 12 jarred salsas. I wore a sleeping mask to avoid pre-judgement and evaluated each on texture and taste. I also only tested mild varieties because I’m middle-aged and consider a sprinkle of paprika as living on the edge.

Which salsa made me say “Olé!” and which salsa should dance away? Here are my rankings, worst to best.

12. Old El Paso, $3.99

Sure, this is one of the better-known salsa brands. And who hasn’t enjoyed a Taco Tuesday (or Wednesday or Thursday) courtesy of Old El Paso? But just because something is familiar doesn’t mean it’s worth your time. (Just like that ex of yours. You know the one I’m talking about.)

Tasting notes: This one was too vinegary and had a bit of a stink. It tasted more like chili sauce to me. Not that I have an issue with chili sauce, just not on my nachos. It was too sweet and made my nose tingle – not in a good way. Worst of all? It’s a big jar. Now I have a big jar of crap salsa.

Verdict: Take a Paso.

11. Pace, $5.97

Another popular brand. A quick internet search revealed that Pace is owned by Campbells. A soup-maker making salsa? That should’ve been my first warning.

Tasting notes: I didn’t like the texture of this one at all. It was too mushy, like it was made with overripe tomatoes. I have a theory that Campbells takes the tomatoes that aren’t useable for its tomato soup and turns them into Pace salsa. Worst of all? It’s a big jar. Now I have two big jars of crap salsa.

Verdict: When you see this on the shelf, keep walking at a brisk pace.

10. Herdez $3.99

This used to be my go-to salsa because it seemed the most authentic. But I had trouble finding it in grocery stores. (I eventually found this at Metro.) Herdez used to be widely available, but now I can only wonder if the shortage is for good reason.

Tasting notes: This one didn’t live up to my fond memories. It tasted like it had pickles in it. Or the onions were pickled. Or something was pickled. (Maybe it was me.) The texture was okay, although it was on the watery side. But there was a sourness I just couldn’t move past.

Verdict: Didn’t tickle my pickle.

9. PC Organics, $4.99

Look, I’m all for healthy choices (despite this taste test) but, at some point, organic products just don’t make sense. If I’m really that concerned about what I’m putting into my body, am I consuming copious amounts of salsa in the first place?

Tasting notes: This was too pungent for me. It had a dirty, bitter taste. This might be because they left the dirt on the tomatoes to make it more organic. I wasn’t a fan. I’m going back to my GMOs.

Verdict: Sometimes, it’s okay to be dirty. Sometimes, it’s not.

8. Neal Brothers, $6.99

I had high expectations for this brand because I see it everywhere and it’s more expensive than some of the other brands. But what do I really know about the Neal Brothers? On the back of the label, there’s an illustration of them on motorcycles. Clearly, they’re badasses. And the most dangerous kind: salsa-making badasses.

Tasting notes: This wasn’t chunky enough for me and had a weird taste, almost like a cold tomato soup. (At this point, I wondered if Campbells owned the Neal boys, as well). And, for seven dollars, the brothers should’ve delivered.

Verdict: The Neals need to keep it in the family. Their salsa, that is.

7. Pretty Ugly, $7.99

This was the most expensive brand in my taste test. I confess I was influenced by the name. In hindsight, I suppose I’ve paid more for uglier things. But, in my defense, suede vests with fringe were the height of fashion in the early 90s. Depending on who you ask.

Tasting notes: It was ugly all right. Just look at that watery puddle! Pretty Ugly was also pretty bland and didn’t have much flavour, although there was some kind of spice that didn’t agree with me. And no, it wasn’t paprika.

Verdict: Sometimes, looks aren’t deceiving.

6. Farm Boy, $4.99

I don’t know why I keep taste testing Farm Boy products. In truth, they’ve never been all that great. But I keep going up to bat for them. Maybe it’s because they have a swinging monkey in their produce section. I liked the jar as it looked like a mason jar and made it seem wholesome. You see what a sucker I am?

Tasting notes: This had a strong oregano taste. Which would be fine, except there was no oregano listed in the ingredients. The texture was a bit weird, kind of mushy and crunchy at the same time. I don’t think anything should be mushy and crunchy at the same time.

Verdict: Don’t be swayed by the monkey.

5. Tostitos, $4.69

Best known for their tortilla chips, I think it was smart of Tostitos to break into the salsa game. But brands usually fall short when they try to extend their line. (Don’t get me started about McPizza.)

Tasting notes: There was a bitterness to this. And too much cumin. All in all, it was an okay salsa. But considering the source, Tostitos needs to dip in and do better.

Verdict: When the chips are down, the salsa might be, too. (I realize this doesn’t make any sense but cut me some slack.)

4. La Costena, $4.99

I see this brand around a lot, too. It seems to have a more authentic vibe to it, unlike some of the other commercial brands. But what do I know about authenticity? I used to colour my beard.

Tasting notes: This had some pleasant crunch to it, along with a bit of lingering heat. (In spite of it being labeled as “mild.” Clearly, they’re not going after the seniors’ market.) It was a bit sweet for my liking, but all in all, not a bad salsa.

Verdict: We’re getting warmer.

3. Que Pasa, $4.99

I’m familiar with this brand on account of their paper bags of tortilla chips. (Speaking of which, I need to do a tortilla chip taste test.) In Spanish, “que pasa” means “what’s up?” So, what was up with this salsa?

Tasting notes: I thought this salsa was very flavourful and had complexity. It reminded me of myself in that it was very sophisticated, but also had a bit of tang that keeps people on their toes. Also, we both make great accompaniments for tortilla chips.

Verdict: Que pasa, you passed.

2. Great Value, $3.77

Great Value is Wal-Mart’s house brand. As a rule, I don’t hold much value in economy brands. Having said that, Great Value held its own in my Macaroni and Cheese taste test as well as my Easter Bunny taste test.

Tasting notes: This had a nice texture and was the right balance between chunky and smooth. It also had a strong, bright flavour. I’m going to try it on my Great Value Mac and Cheese. (But not on my Great Value Easter Bunny.)

Verdict: Great Value, I was greatly impressed.

1. No Name, $3.79

Look, I know I’ve made jokes about No Name products before. That No Name is the sad trombone of the food world. That the yellow label signals only doom and despair. But I was about to have egg on my face – or is that heuvos rancheros?

Tasting notes: Out of all the salsas I sampled, this one had the best texture. It also had a subtle smokiness and a hint of sweet that added some depth. It was like a salsa symphony.

Verdict: I’m still in shock.

And there you have it. Did I miss your favourite salsa? Leave a comment and let the world know! This kind of information is important.

After tasting 12 salsas, my tongue felt like a pickle. And this test really did a number on my stomach. Clearly, salsa isn’t meant to be eaten by the spoonful. Once I get past the cramping, I’m putting on my dancing shoes and my fringed suede vest, and signing up for dance lessons.

Gracias for reading. And for those who want to experience the glory of the Farm Boy swinging monkey, here you go.