Of all the traditional holiday foods, few are hated more than fruitcake. But what did fruitcake ever do to warrant such animosity? I mean, it’s still cake, after all. Personally, I believe fruitcake deserves more respect. Fruitcake is a fighter. When the world ends, cockroaches and fruitcake will be the two things left standing.

In an effort to redeem fruitcake’s reputation, I taste tested 7 commercial brands. For balanced reporting, I sought the input of another taster. Finding that person wasn’t easy. I’ve invented a new term: “fruitcaked.” Instead of being ghosted, “fruitcaked” is when you text a friend to ask if they’ll participate in a fruitcake taste test and not only do they not respond, they send the authorities to your house with a restraining order.

But my good friend and fellow fruitcake lover, Stephen, agreed to help. He makes his own fruitcake every year. It’s no small coincidence we’re both homosexuals. If the gays know one truth, it’s the bond we share about our secret love of fruity things.

We made sure we didn’t know what fruitcakes we were tasting, and prices ranged from 6 to 23 dollars. For continuity, I only tried to buy dark fruitcake and I didn’t buy any with marzipan icing which some would argue is equivalent to lipstick on a pig. I also wasn’t swayed by nuts. Believe me, the promise of big nuts always ends in small results.

To raise the fruitcake stakes, Stephen and I also added our own fruitcakes into the mix. My recipe comes from my grandmother and calls for mashed potatoes. I realize this doesn’t help my fruitcake redemption mission.

So how did our homemade fruitcakes rank? And can you find a decent commercial fruitcake? Read on to find out.

1) Farmer’s Market Pecan Topped Dark Fruitcake, $6.97

I got this at No Frills. Farmer’s Market is a brand somewhere between President’s Choice and No Name. Kind of like Goldilocks’ second bowl of porridge. So did this fruitcake taste just right?

Tasting notes: “It’s overpowered by cherries,” Stephen said. He also felt it lacked a depth of flavour. “This fruitcake is going for cheap,” he said. “And not in a good way.” I thought it had sufficient flavour but found the texture very dry. Overall, it was okay, but no stand-out.

Verdict: When it comes to fruitcake, this piggy will not be returning to the market.

2) Fino Fine Foods Old Fashioned Fruit Cake, $10

The only round contender we tasted, I bought this fruitcake at Walmart. In terms of its packaging, the dome lid and red paper liner added an air of sophistication. And that’s important if you’re giving it as a gift. Nothing says, “I have mixed emotions about you,” like giving someone a fruitcake.

Tasting notes: Stephen immediately noticed a candy floss taste to the shellacked cherries on top. “This doesn’t taste like a fruitcake,” he said. “It’s like something you’d get at the C.N.E. Food Building. I don’t mean that as a compliment.” I thought it was way too sweet and tasted like Popeye Cigarettes or those candy necklaces that leave a ring of dye around your neck. It had absolutely nothing going for it.

Verdict: Fino, your fruitcake ain’t fine-o.

3) Claxton Fruit Cake, $40 (But really $7.99)

The fruitcake that brought me to tears. I was looking for fruitcakes on Amazon and saw Claxton’s Fruit Cakes which I remember selling for fundraising when I was a kid. (I doubt fruitcake fundraisers are very profitable.) When I saw it was 40 bucks, I thought, “Okay, I guess this will be my high-end fruitcake.” So, I bought it. Three days later, I was in Bruno’s Fine Foods and they were selling Claxton Fruit Cake for $7.99! Anyway, the cashiers were very patient getting me back to a standing position and one of them even brought me some Kleenex. I still can’t believe I overpaid 32 dollars for a fruitcake. Amazon buyers, beware.

Tasting notes: Stephen thought this one looked incredibly heavy and dense. Almost as dense as someone who overpays 32 dollars for a fruitcake, I wondered? “It’s more a like fudge, like the cake is made with marzipan,” he said. “It’s surprisingly sweet and feels like a different take on a traditional fruitcake.” I noted there wasn’t much smell or flavour and that it tasted like raw dough to me. Not that I have anything against eating raw dough. But it was too heavy on the fruit and not enough on the cake.

Verdict: I could’ve bought 32 dollars’ worth of better-tasting fruitcake.

4) Stephen’s Fruitcake

For his fruitcake, Stephen used a recipe from Mary Berry of The Great British Bake Off fame. And really, if you’re going to make a holiday fruitcake, wouldn’t you trust someone with the name Mary Berry? So how did his compare against the others?

Tasting notes: “This one has a depth of fragrance,” Stephen said. “There’s also a good mix of raisins and currants. I also get a good hint of alcohol, which, let’s be honest, if you’re going to eat this shit…” I thought it had a nice molasses smell and a deep flavour. It had a good number of currants and raisins and melted in my mouth. A stand-out.

Verdict: Glacé, you stay.

5) Irresistibles Fruit Cake Dark Fruits with Pecans, $9.99

Irresistibles is Metro’s house brand. I’m not sure why it says “dark fruits” on the label, especially when there are illustrated maraschino cherries and pineapple wedges. Do those look like dark fruits to you? And don’t get me started on the obviously chewed lemon rind.

Tasting notes: “This one has a nice molasses-y smell,” Stephen said. “And it has more currants and raisins than candied fruit, which is a plus for me.” I thought it smelled dusty, which, when you consider fruitcake’s shelf life, isn’t so weird. I also thought it had the texture of half-dried glue. And yes, I’ve eaten half-dried glue. I had a very unusual diet as a child.

Verdict: You’ll be able to resist.

6) Jane Parker Dark Fruit Cake, $23.99

Claxton’s aside, this was the most expensive fruitcake we tasted. Does anyone remember Jane Parker Spice Cakes? My mom used to buy them but I can guarantee you they didn’t cost 23 dollars. In the 70’s, that was our entire grocery budget. For the month. In terms of the packaging, I thought Jane’s box had an air of elegance to it. But was the cost justified?

Tasting notes: “This one definitely has a traditional spice fragrance,” Stephen said. “And that’s a lot of nuts. It’s good, but it would be better with a basting of brandy. That would take it up a notch.” I found this one a bit bland. There wasn’t anything about its taste that indicated it was a fruitcake, other than the glacé cherries. That said, it was an attractive fruitcake and you could use the box afterwards to store pipe cleaners.

Verdict: Jane, your packaging may be attractive, but it’s what’s inside that counts.

7) McFadgens Dark Fruit Cake, $5.97

This was the cheapest fruitcake we tasted, but it was also the smallest. I had high hopes for this one as I imagined the McFadgen family living on a farm in Glace Bay, Nova Scotia, and slaving away over fruitcakes all year long, only to have their product scorned by society. “Maybe next year, the tides will turn,” Papa McFadgen would sigh to his wife and nine children.

Tasting notes: “This is good,” Stephen said after biting in. “There’s a subtle aftertaste, and it could use a bit more spice, but I wouldn’t throw it out.” I got a weird spice taste. I thought it was mace, but then I don’t really know what mace tastes like. The texture was okay, but the underlying spice flavour was off-putting for me.

Verdict: Stephen was a fan but I’m clearly not a spice girl.

8) No Idea, $9.99

I’m calling this fruitcake “No Idea” because I have no idea what it’s called. I bought it at Sobey’s and it didn’t have a label. My best guess is that it’s called MonteCri, because that’s what was on the shelf sticker. But that sounds like Monte Cristo. Which is a sandwich. So, I was confused. And suspicious. But it did have an impressive array of whole maraschino cherries, walnuts, and pecans on top.

Tasting notes: “This one has a nice smell and it’s moist,” Stephen said. “But it could use more allspice. And the gratuitous cherries on top are a cheap attempt to make it look more Christmas-y.” I thought there was a weird, chemical after-taste that made it not taste like real food. And yes, I realize some of you might say that fruitcake isn’t real food in the first place. And the lack of a label bothered me. Were they trying to avoid accountability?

Verdict: If you don’t name it, I’m going to shame it.

9) Granny’s Mashed Tater Fruitcake

Okay, so that might not be its “official” name, but my grandmother’s recipe calls for mashed potatoes. I think “Granny’s Mashed Tater Fruitcake” has a nice marketing ring to it. I’m calling the Shark Tank folks right away. I’ll make my fruitcake millions yet. I made my fruitcake on Halloween and have been basting it with rum ever since. So how did my grandmother’s fruitcake compare to the commercial brands?

Tasting notes: “This is the best smelling fruitcake of the bunch,” Stephen said. “You definitely get the rum or brandy in this one. And there’s an excellent ratio of raisins and currants to citrus peel.” I thought it had a nice, deep aroma and a rich, caramelly taste with a hint of clove. A definite contender.

Verdict: Never doubt your grandmother’s recipe. Even if it calls for mashed potatoes.

And the winner is…

It all came down to two contenders: My fruitcake and Stephen’s fruitcake. After careful debate and mastication, Stephen chose mine as the winner. And I chose his! I’m honestly not making this up in order to get a gay Hallmark holiday film deal about two rival pastry chefs who enter a fruitcake competition only to fall in love at the end, working title, “Nutcrackers.”

It just goes to show that, when it comes to fruitcake, nothing beats homemade. And mashed taters. Here’s a link to Mary Berry’s recipe and my grandmother’s recipe follows below. A stained index card is always the sign of any good recipe, IMHO. If you’re looking for a commercial fruitcake, Stephen recommends McFadgen’s and I’d go with Jane Parker.

Bake at 275 degrees for 2-3 hours. This makes 3 cakes. If you only want 1 large cake, half the recipe.

Did we miss your favourite brand of fruitcake? Share it with the three other people who will read this blog and let us know! And listen to the interview I did for CBC Radio’s Here & Now about my fruitcake taste test.

On behalf of Stephen, myself, and every other fruitcake lover out there, Happy Holidays.

And if you want more holiday-inspired taste tests, check out my Panettone Taste Test and my Egg Nog Taste Test .