Long considered to be a Canadian national dish, Kraft Dinner has been a staple in many households since it was first introduced in 1937. During my childhood, it was part of a balanced meal once you added the ketchup (vegetable) and a cut-up boiled wiener (protein).

But there’s a lot of competition for ol’ KD these days with more brands and varieties than ever. Vegan, deluxe, cauliflower, white cheddar, organic, the list goes on.

So which mac and cheese is best? And how does KD hold up against the others? I bought as many kinds as my allowance – and my doctor – permitted. All in all, I ended up with 14 different varieties, ranging in price from 75 cents up to $5.79. That’s a lot of macaroni, but this is the price you pay for investigative journalism.

In terms of my testing, I established some ground rules. First, only orange cheddar. I also followed the package cooking directions exactly. (I realize this will be a controversial point for many of you.) I only used margarine because it was good enough for me in the 70’s and look how normal I turned out. And lastly, no ketchup.

So which mac attacked? And which mac was wack? Here are my rankings, worst to best.

14) Annie’s Vegan Mac, $3.79

I’m all for vegan options. And I know that Annie’s has a good reputation. But I had my doubts. Instead of regular milk, I made it with unsweetened almond milk. Cue the impending darkness.

Tasting notes: Good lord, this was horrible. It was tasteless, aside from the almond milk, which is a flavour that should never make an appearance in macaroni and cheese. The pasta was overcooked and mushy. I didn’t eat it so much as hold it in my mouth until it dissolved. Even the colour was blah, which I guess makes sense given it’s vegan and no ground-up lady bugs were used for colouring. Vegans, you deserve better.

13) Kraft Deluxe Velveeta on Shells, $4.97

A box of Kraft Deluxe Velveeta on Shells

I had high hopes for this brand, although the name was a bit of a mouthful. (And not in the good way.) When I was growing up, Velveeta was processed cheese for rich people because it was so expensive. This brand came with a packet of premade cheese sauce which saves you from using your own milk and margarine. Although I guess that’s not much of a concern if you’re one of those Joan Collins types.

Tasting notes: Just awful. The pasta was so overcooked, it was practically translucent when I strained it. It was like eating wallpaper paste coated in cheese sauce. There wasn’t much flavour despite the Velveeta sauce. It might’ve been salvageable had I cooked it for less time. But again, I was following box directions which said to boil for 9 to 10 minutes. This was proof that, just because you’re rich, it doesn’t mean you have taste.

12) Batchelors, $4.99

A box of Batchelor's Pasta 'n' Sauce Mac 'n' Cheese

I picked this up in one of those British stores that sell Barry’s Tea, Marmite, and Marks and Spencer Shrimp Chips. The price was high, but I guess that’s what you get for shipping dried pasta overseas. The instructions were weird because you boil the pasta in the milk, margarine, and cheese powder.

Tasting notes: This was grey and wet, not unlike the weather in the U.K. It was practically a soup! It also had a strong onion flavour that permeated my breath for hours afterwards. If this is what batchelors in England are eating, no wonder they’re still single. This only proved that the best export from the U.K. is still Storytime with Fergie & Friends.

11) KD Simply, $2.29

A box of Kraft Simply Made with Cauliflower Macaroni and Cheese

This is made with cauliflower to trick kids into eating vegetables, like wedging a baby carrot into a Twinkie and hoping they won’t notice. In terms of the packaging, what’s up with that illustrated piece of pasta on the box? It looks like the severed arm of a Simpsons character. Not appetizing at all.

Tasting notes: This had about as much vibrancy as me at 9:30 p.m. on a Friday night. Also, I could taste the cauliflower, which made me wonder how any kid was going to be fooled by this. It was dry and had a weird, sweet taste. This had absolutely no redeeming features, despite giving me 1/68th of my day’s serving of vegetables.

10) Muscle Mac, $4.49

This may come as a shock, but I’m not very muscular. That said, I’m always open to trying foods that can help me gain muscle mass – and what could be tastier than macaroni and cheese? This had 20 grams of protein per serving for “active lifestyles.” I don’t know how you eat macaroni while jogging, but I guess coordination is everything.

Tasting notes: This mac and cheese definitely got me active. I was chasing it around, trying to find the flavour. It was tasteless, slightly chewy, and left me unfulfilled. Worst of all, I measured my bicep after eating the bowl and didn’t notice one bit of difference! Hashtag WTH! From here on in, I’ll stick to my usual work-out routine: bench-pressing baguettes.

9) No Name, 89 cents

A box of No Name Macaroni and Cheese Dinner

Let’s face it – no one ever gets excited about tasting a No Name item. Even that bright yellow packaging can’t shake the doom and gloom. Having said that, this brand was pretty cheap. If only I could’ve silenced the sad trombone soundtrack as I made it.

Tasting notes: In terms of optics, it certainly looked okay, but the texture was thick and clumpy. The macaroni pieces stuck together, there was little flavour, and I ended up crying in the middle of eating it. Which is usually the No Name experience. Never have I wished more for a squirt of No Name ketchup.

8) D Gourmet, 75 cents

I picked this up at the Dollar Store, always an iffy spot when buying consumables. (See my Dollar Store Chocolate Bar taste test.) But it was the cheapest of the brands. In terms of the packaging, have you ever seen macaroni neatly stacked on a fork like that? And I’m always suspicious of companies that only use a single letter in their name. It’s like they’re hiding.

Tasting notes: Is “congealy” a word? This macaroni and cheese was lumpy and curdled. In terms of taste, it wasn’t as bad as I thought dollar store mac and cheese would be, although it was a bit on the dry side and the macaroni had a glue-y texture. (Yes, I’ve eaten glue before, but let’s not bring up my childhood.) Despite that, this mac and cheese did what it needed to do. And if you’ve only got three quarters in your pocket, dinner is served.

7) Daiya, $5.79

A box of Day Plant-Based Deluxe Mac and Cheese

This was the most expensive brand I tested. It’s a plant-based mac and cheese. (To be honest, I don’t know what that means. Is it made with ferns?) Like the Kraft Deluxe Velveeta on Shells, it came with its own pre-made cheese sauce.

Tasting notes: It was creamy, but the pasta was overcooked. And the sauce was too thick for my liking. There was an aftertaste that was hard to describe. It looked good on the surface, but ultimately ended in disappointment. Not unlike my dating life in the early ‘90s. And it was clingy. Not unlike me during my dating life in the early ‘90s.

6) Go Go Quinoa, $4.29

A box of GoGO Quinoa Mac and Vegan Cheese

This was my third vegan option, but given my Annie’s almond milk experience, I was dreading it. Nevertheless, sometimes you have to go go bravely into that dark night. Also, what is quinoa? It sounds like a form of French yoga.

Tasting notes: The colour wasn’t bad, and the overall texture of the pasta was better. It had a bit of a bite, although there were hints of a cardboard aftertaste. (Yes, I’ve eaten cardboard, but again, I’m not discussing my childhood). For whatever reason, the almond milk flavour didn’t come through as strongly as it did with Annie’s. Not bad, but not go go gold either.

5) President’s Choice, $2.49

A box of President's Choice Deluxe Cheddar Macaroni and Cheese

I remember when PC introduced their white cheddar mac and cheese, it was a game changer. For this competition, though, I only stuck to regular cheddar. I wondered if using elbow macaroni might give it a competitive edge.

Tasting notes: The orange colour looked promising but overall, I thought this was a bit of a yawn. It was missing a saltiness that would’ve made the cheese flavour pop. If you’re going to buy PC macaroni and cheese, it’s beddar to stick with white cheddar.

4) Kraft Dinner, $1.59

A box of Kraft Dinner Original Macaroni and Cheese

The OG that started it all. Even though this one has been the frontrunner for years, I wondered if its reputation was earned, especially with so many other brands competing for the macaroni crown. Speaking of, I need to make a macaroni crown.

Tasting notes: It was runnier than the other brands. (That could be interpreted as saucier, but I’m sticking to runnier.) The pasta wasn’t overcooked. In terms of taste, it packed a bigger flavour punch than the others, but I couldn’t decide what, exactly, that flavour was. There was this tangy, vinegary taste that didn’t say “cheese.” Still a contender, but not the champ.

3) Great Value, 97 cents

A box of Great Value Original Macaroni and Cheese Dinner

This is a Walmart brand. What’s up with the illustration of the noodles diving into a cheddar pool? And it looks like the macaroni is making some kind of weird Druid symbol. Clearly, it’s a subliminal message. I just wish I knew what it was. But then I guess it wouldn’t be subliminal.

Tasting notes: I was pleasantly surprised. It was orangier than the others. That could be on account of the “sunset yellow FCF.” And it delivered soft cheesiness without being mushy. True, some of the macaroni broke apart while boiling, and there was an odd, sweet undertone. But overall, Great Value delivered great taste. Either that or this was crap, and the Druids have done mind control on me.

2) Cheetos, $1.97

Based on the packaging, they’re clearly going after the Takis demographic. What is it with young people these days needing to eat everything bold, intense, flaming hot, or super spicy? In my day, a sprinkle of paprika was enough to get your motor running.

Tasting notes: This was an unnatural shade of orange, like if you took a box of orange crayons, melted them, and poured them over spiral pasta. That said, it was disturbingly delicious. Basically, this is crack, manufactured in a lab. There were a few pieces of pasta in my sink drain and, after rising them, the macaroni stayed orange. It had been stained! I can only wonder what colour my intestines are now.

1) Annie’s Aged Mac and Cheese, $3.99

A box of Annie's Shells and Real Aged Cheddar Macaroni and Cheese

This brand was recommended by my niece. If anyone knows a thing or two about macaroni and cheese, it’s a 22-year-old, fresh out of university. I was a bit reluctant, given my previous Annie’s experience, but thought it was worth giving Annie another shot. I was glad I did.

Tasting notes: The shells held the sauce like little lakes of cheddar. In terms of taste, this one had the best cheese flavour. The macaroni wasn’t overcooked and had a nice bite. And with 80% organic ingredients, you almost feel good about eating it. Almost.

Added bonus: There’s a craft on the box that shows you how to make a bunny head out of a clothes pin. Any craft that involves clothes pins is high art to me.

Here’s my work of art.

And there you have it. Annie came in last and first. She’s a woman of cheesy extremes. I’m going on a cleanse but will be back with another taste test at some point.

Did I miss your favourite macaroni and cheese? Or do you have a tried-and-true method of cooking it? Leave a comment and share it with the three people who will read this!