Every year, people make a big deal about all the freaky food available at the Canadian National Exhibition. Froot Loops-crusted hot dogs. Tater Tots with whipped cream. Chocolate-dipped pickles rolled in feta, then covered with caramel sauce and sauerkraut. The list goes on.

But what about those all-time carnival classics? Every time we turn our attention towards some culinary flash in the pan, we turn the spotlight away from those treats that truly deserve our attention. These are the gold standards that will outlive any Fruit Loops/meat concoction.

I went to the C.N.E. the other night and taste-tested all the classics. (Well, as many as I could afford, but more on that later.) So how did they rank? And will my cholesterol ever return to normal levels? Here are my thoughts, worst to best.

7) Primo Spaghetti Cup $1.99

A paper cup with spaghetti and red sauce inside of it.

I’ve been going to the C.N.E. long enough to remember when these were only 99 cents. The price may be cheap but the devil is in the details. In other words, they charge 89 cents for fake parmesan cheese! My Italian husband refused to stand in line with me.

Tasting Notes: This was exactly what I was expecting for $1.99: Overcooked spaghetti drowning in a sweet, watery tomato sauce. Just like my mom used to make. Yes, it’s terrible (it even looks like one of the spaghetti strands is trying to escape in the photo), but if you only have two dollars and need to carb up between rounds of Skee-Ball, this is your best bet.

6) Colossal Onion, $18

A deep fried colossal onion on a plate with a cup of dipping sauce in the centre.

“Eighteen dollars for an onion?” my husband proclaimed. “This is bullshit!” Well, maybe not bullshit to all the people standing in line for one of these deep-fried beauties. But as a long-time fan of the onion ring, I felt I had a civic duty to try it out, despite the high cost.

Tasting Notes: I’m not going to lie; the onion was colossally tasty. And so long as I ignored the puddle of grease pooling at the bottom of the paper plate, I felt no shame. The dipping sauce had a nice kick. But I think the real appeal of the Colossal Onion is that it’s fun to eat. You pick the pieces off like you’re pulling the petals off a flower. Only the flower is battered. And deep fried. And hideously expensive.

5) Corn on the Cob, $10

This booth had a sign promoting a corn cob with peanut butter and jelly. I passed and opted for the old-fashioned butter. I almost fainted when the cashier said, “Ten dollars.” I wanted to ask if they were dipping the corn in butter or melted gold.

Tasting Notes: It was a good cob of corn. It was sweet and perfectly cooked, and the butter saturated my paper towel in all the right ways. But ten dollars?!? In what hellish landscape does a single cob of corn cost ten dollars? Not only that, have you ever tried eating corn on the cob while walking around in public? It’s not sexy.

4) Tiny Tom Donuts, $8/dozen

Tiny Tom Donuts sprinkled with sugar cinnamon

I can’t say I’ve ever understood the appeal of these. Why would you want a miniature donut when you could have a regular-sized one? Maybe it’s not the donuts that make these so popular. It could be the hypnotizing lure of the conveyor belt as you wait in line.

Tasting Notes: There was a mountain of sugar cinnamon at the bottom of the bag. It almost felt like the teenaged boy who shook the bag didn’t really care all that much about evenly coating each donut. Yes, the donuts were soft and warm, and tiny, but I couldn’t get past the sand dune of sugar.

3) Ye Olde Fudge Pot, $10

You can’t find anything sweeter than fudge. It’s like a black hole of sugar. A little fun fact about me: For a period in the early ‘90s, my nickname was “Ye Olde Fudge Pot.” But I don’t want to get into the reasons. It’s a long, complicated, and sordid story.

Tasting Notes: I got the peanut butter variety, which I thought would cut the sweetness. But it didn’t. Nothing ever cuts the sweetness of fudge. I did think it could’ve used a bit more peanut butter flavour, though. I mostly tasted sugar. Which, let’s face it, is fudge’s real flavour.

2) Corn Dog, $8

You must pick your corn dogs wisely. You don’t want anything that looks like it’s been sitting under a heat lamp for four hours. And don’t be fooled by getting the more expensive foot long. Remember: It’s not the size, it’s the quality of the wiener.

Tasting Notes: This was delicious, a perfect mixture of a salty wiener paired with a slightly sweet batter. While I was eating it, an older gentleman came up to me and asked if I wanted him to hold my hair back. Maybe he was concerned about the mustard getting in it? I thought it was very considerate of him and it reminded me that, sometimes, kindness is only a corn dog away.

And coming in at Number One…

1) Ice Cream Waffle, $5

A brick of vanilla ice cream sandwiched between two waffles.

I made the mistake of going to a knock-off booth one year. Those waffles were frozen, not freshly made. There were only two booths selling the fresh ones from what I could see. And they’re worth the hunt.

Tasting Notes: A bit of heaven. Warm and cold in the blink of an eye. Not unlike many of my past relationships. And for only five bucks, you can’t go wrong. Never, ever pass this up if you’re at the C.N.E.

Honourable mentions: I wanted to rank these classics, too, but I ran out of money: cotton candy, funnel cakes, candy apples, those potato spirals on a stick, and lavender satchels – even though the lavender always get stuck in my teeth.

And there you have it! Truth be told, I felt pretty gross after eating all these foods and I promised myself I’d never do it again.

Until next year.

Sincerely,

Ye Olde Fudge Pot