I can’t think of a better way to send off the decade than with a hot, steaming casserole. So I was happy to host my annual Caker Christmas party the other night. I invite Italians to make traditional caker dishes so I can enjoy the artificially-flavoured fruits of their labours.

“Caker,” for those unaware, is short form for “mangiacake,” a term Italians give some of the more questionable aspects of Anglo-Saxon cuisine. You can find more info here.

Caker Christmas 2019 was a dazzling display of salt and beige. What was the best dish of the night? What was the worst? Is there really a difference? Here’s the round-up.

Cheese Louise

Look, if you’re going to do a cheeseball, do a frickin’ cheeseball. Lovingly crafted by yours truly, Cheese Louise was the hit of the party. And she turned out to be quite the gal. “Are any fellas gonna stick their Triscuit in me tonight or what?” she called out at one point. Louise, you’re a hoot! And tangy, too.

Dill weed scarves are going to be huge in 2020. You just wait.

Ritz Crackers Hors D’oeuvres

You’re looking at Ritz Crackers spread with peanut butter and topped with either maraschino cherries or sweet pickles. Needless to say, the Italians were extremely reluctant. A few of them even looked distressed. But you know what? These crackers were damn tasty. Even the pickle version. It just goes to show that while caker food may be disturbing, it doesn’t mean disturbing can’t be delicious.

Someone said the cherry one tasted like a PB & jelly sandwich which makes sense. Kinda.

Granny’s Crab Bites

Not to be confused with Granny’s Crabs, a traditional dish served at caker bachelor parties, these crab bites were made with canned crab, white bread, onion and red pepper. What bound everything together, you ask? Miracle Whip, of course. Otherwise known as caker glue. These got good reviews.

If you don't have Miracle Whip, you can use Elmer’s.

Mac and Cheese Casserole

Nothing says home cooking like Kraft Dinner. And this casserole had what looked like 17 boxes in it, combined with peas, bacon, breadcrumbs, old cheddar and parmesan. (Pronounced para-mee-shun.) While it got an “A” for quantity, it sadly got a “D” for quality. Guests found the casserole a bit dry. A day later and I’m still coughing up breadcrumbs.

Proof that peas don’t belong in KD. Ever.

Ham with Pineapple and Maraschino Cherries

This dish brought us back to the good ol’ days when moms wore high heels while vacuuming. The cook who brought this proudly informed us the ham was purchased at Giant Tiger, a name I always associate with quality meats. Also, the ham was simmered in pineapple juice. Cakers waste nothing. Not even canned fruit juice. We’re the original recyclers.

The parsley gives the illusion of a vegetable.

Tuna Loaf

Unfortunately, the chef who made this didn’t have a loaf pan at home. So she put it in a square pan. Which I guess makes this a Tuna Square. Hmm. Doesn’t sound as poetic that way. This had tuna, pasta, olives and a few other things that were hard to identify. “Please don’t make us take home the leftovers,” the chef’s husband whispered to me at the end of the night.

The olives look like eyes staring back at you. Another reason the “loaf” was scary.

Beanie Weenie Bake

Not to be confused with Teenie Weenie Bake, a traditional dish served at caker wedding showers, Beanie Weenie Bake was one of the ugliest dishes to hit the table. And that’s saying a lot. But would you believe it was voted the best dish of the night? It had brown sugar, molasses, baked beans, frankfurters and . . . evaporated milk? Oh, who cares? It tasted great and made everyone feel like we were gathered around a campfire, playing harmonicas.

I could say what I think this looks like. But I won’t.

Tater Tot Casserole

Rubber. Grass. Roof shingles. You could put Tater Tots on anything and I’d eat it. This dish had vegetable soup, ground chicken, cheese, and of course, a top layer of Tater Tots. It came in a close second for best-tasting dish. That’s what I call “the power of the tots.”

The tater tots looks like coins. Which is a currency everyone can get behind.

Spinach Fandango

Made by yours truly, this casserole contained ground beef, spinach, cream of celery soup, sour cream and a layer of mozzarella cheese on top. Imagine my shock when the Italians voted it the worst tasting dish of the night! (I think it was a revenge vote.) Everyone said it needed more salt. This was the first time I’d heard anyone say that in the 20 plus years I’ve been hosting Caker Christmas.

This didn’t need more salt. But it did need more support.

Campbell’s Cauliflower Mac and Cheese

“I used Italpasta in this,” the Italian chef said when she presented her dish, which got all the other Italians laughing. Secretly, I was confused. What’s wrong with Italpasta, I wondered? The word “Italy” is (almost) in the name. Isn’t that a sign of authenticity? She was also very concerned that the pasta not get too crispy. Where I come from, crispy pasta is an added bonus. It gives your jaw muscles a workout. Anyway, this dish had Cream of Cauliflower soup which Campbell’s recently introduced to its fine line of soups. I’m still hoping Cream of Potato Chip will make its debut.

I didn’t think you could have gummy and crispy in the same dish. Surprise!

And moving on to dessert. . .

5 Cup Salad

My Greek friend made this. I told her this wasn’t a dessert, since cakers usually serve 5 Cup Salad as a side, along with roast beef or ham. Some of the Italians couldn’t comprehend this. “But it has marshmallows,” one of them pointed out. “Of course it does,” I said. “Cakers consider marshmallows a vegetable.” In terms of what the five cups are, you’re looking at sour cream, marshmallows, pineapple, mandarin oranges and shredded coconut. It’s the easiest dish you can make, provided you can count to five.

Tiramisu

This was the first tiramisu this Italian chef ever made. It had JELL-O pudding and vanilla wafers. Suffice to say, she’s been spoiled now. No other tiramisu will even come close to this.

The chocolate dusting was a little uneven in spots. But who am I to judge?

Angel Cake

Made by yours truly, this was assembled from a 9 x 13 cake. Instructions came from my Cut-Up Cake Party book. Over the years, I’ve made a turkey, a daisy, a witch, and a plane. With cut-up cakes, the party never stops! In terms of the response, I don’t want to toot my own harp, but the Italians were pretty wowed. What can I say? I’m an artist who works in 7 Minute Frosting. This was chosen as the best tasting dessert. I wasn’t surprised. God was on my side.

I wanted someone to say, “This cake tastes heavenly!” But no one did.

But the food wasn’t the most controversial aspect of the night. My toilet was. Specifically, my Santa toilet seat cover. I had purchased it at a bazaar and washed it before the party. It fell apart, so I had to glue all the felt pieces back together, which begs the question: Why make a toilet seat cover that’s not washable? It’s wrong in so many ways.

This is what it looked like when it came out of the washing machine.

Anyway, in spite of washing it, the Italians weren’t having it. My Italian husband explained that when you close the lid and flush, the vapours absorb into the fabric. I didn’t ask for an explanation about what these “vapours” were. (And between you and me, he says a lot of things that leave me scratching my head.) My sister-in-law said she was “schkeeved.” I hear this word a lot from Italians, especially when it has something to do with me. I think it means “profoundly disturbed.”

Santa is shielding his eyes from the vapours.

I was pretty wiped by the end of the night. Watching people bring food into your house is exhausting! Needless to say, Cheese Louise was feeling the same. Louise, I’m with you, kid. (And looks like she definitely got some Triscuit action. LOL!)

We’ve all used a pretzel for a pillow at one time or another.

In addition to my Greek friend, we also welcomed a new guest, originally from Kuwait, to the party. When I asked him what he thought, he said, “This is the worst food I’ve ever tasted.” But he also said he couldn’t wait to come back next year. And that, to me, is the essence of Caker Christmas. You want to run away, but the preservatives always pull you back.

From my caker house to yours, have a great holiday. And happy eating.