Summer is many things for me: Hawaiian Tropic Dark Tanning Oil, thongs, roller skates, and boardwalks. (In that order.) But summer is also about food. And nothing says summer to me like a good helping of macaroni salad on a soggy paper plate.

Although it might seem simple, macaroni salad is pretty complicated. It should be creamy, but not too creamy, and have just the right blend of sweet and tang. And let’s not forget the star of the show: elbow macaroni. Cook it too long and you don’t eat it so much as slap it around your mouth.

But who makes the best macaroni salad? I taste-tested seven commercial brands and kept my eyes closed so I didn’t know which was which. I didn’t include any cheese versions, even though I don’t think it’s actual cheese but orange food colouring. To raise the stakes, I also made a macaroni salad recipe from one of my community cookbooks, submitted by a woman named Shelly. And believe me – when it comes to macaroni salad, Shellys usually know their stuff.

So which macaroni salad elbowed its way to the top? And which one dissolved to mush? Read on to find out.

1) Ziggy’s, $3.99

Ziggy’s is a Loblaw’s brand. I think of it as a step up from No Name but a step down from President’s Choice. It’s mainly deli stuff, like salads, cold cuts, and cheese. Although, as a child of the 70s, I’ll always associate the name “Ziggy” with that bald, no-neck cartoon character. So did Ziggy’s macaroni salad make me say, “Zig-a-zig-ah?”

Tasting Notes: Ziggy, you were bald — on taste. Yes, you were creamy. Yes, the pasta wasn’t overcooked. But no, I won’t be asking you out for a second date. I need a macaroni salad that gets my heart racing (in the good kind of way) and this wasn’t it.

2) Compliments, $3.99

Compliments is Sobey’s house brand. I’ve had some less-than-stellar experiences with Compliments over the years, especially their eggnog. Did I end up extending my compliments after tasting their macaroni salad?

Tasting Notes: Compliments held up pretty well. There were some nice chunks of crunchy pickle to contrast the squishy pasta and an overall creamy texture. Not the best of the bunch, but not bad either. That’s the highest compliment I can give.

3) Kentucky Fried Chicken, $2.72

As far as I’m concerned, KFC has had the corner on macaroni salad and neon-green cole slaw for years. When I pulled up to the drive-thru window, I was handed a paper bag containing 17 napkins and this thimble of macaroni salad. For $2.72!!! What the cluck, KFC?

Tasting Notes: I had high hopes for the Colonel, but this was proof that bad things can come in little packages. It was mushy and there was a distinct barnyard aftertaste. You know that aftertaste, right? It reminds you of horses in all the wrong ways. Colonel, I say, “neigh.”

4) Longo’s, $4.99

Longo’s is a grocery store for people who don’t mind spending a lot of money on the same things they could get at No Frills for cheaper. True, the atmosphere is better. But I will bag my own groceries if it means saving 50 cents on Cheez Whiz. I have priorities.

Tasting Notes: Call my dentist because I got a cavity eating this macaroni salad! This was, by far, the sweetest salad of the bunch. Maybe that’s how the wealthy prefer their macaroni salad. But not me. This salad can take the longo way home – and pick up some toothpaste along the way.

5) Reser’s, $3.99

I bought this salad at No Frills, along with the Ziggy’s brand. Given that this wasn’t a store brand, I was anxious to try it. Was this the gourmet version I’d been searching for?

Tasting Notes: This had everything I look for in a macaroni salad. Soft-but-not-bloated pasta and a silky base that held everything together in harmony. It was the most exciting sensation I’ve had in my mouth in a long time. A very, very, very long time.

6) Kraft Pasta Salad, $2.34

I threw this into the mix because if anyone knows a thing or two about macaroni, it’s the chefs at Kraft. There’s a seasoning package inside the box that you mix with a half-cup of mayernnaise. There were flecks of colour in the seasoning that I’m assuming were once vegetables.

Tasting Notes: This one was drier than the others and tasted like Ranch Dressing. There was also a bit of heat that I wasn’t expecting. And it was weirdly addictive. Once I started eating it, I couldn’t stop. Not because it was good. But because it wasn’t good. I don’t know what that says about me.

7) Keybrand Deli Classics, $3.99

I got this at Metro. I wasn’t familiar with this brand name so I didn’t have high hopes. Then again, if you keep your expectations very low, nothing is a disappointment. That’s what my mom used to tell her friends about me.

Tasting Notes: It was better than I thought it would be. The macaroni was firm, and it had a nice balance of sweet to tang. Not necessarily the “key” to my macaroni salad happiness, but it would do in a pinch.

8) Shelly’s Homemade Macaroni Salad

This recipe dates all the way back to 1986. For any millennials reading this, we had to cook macaroni in a big pot over a fire in those days. I realize that Shelly’s recipe is the focus here, but Jane’s recipe combining vanilla ice cream with mayernnaise is hard for me to, uh, stomach.

Tasting Notes: I’m sorry, Shelly, but this was drier than a bad perm. (Maybe it could’ve used some vanilla ice cream?) That said, this salad had the most texture of all the ones I sampled. And likely was the healthiest. But I’m not eating macaroni salad for its health benefits, Shelly.

So here are my overall rankings from worst to best:

8) KFC

7) Longo’s

6) Shelly’s Homemade Macaroni Salad

5) Ziggy’s

4) Compliments

3) Kraft Pasta Salad

2) Keybrand Deli Classics

And our macaroni salad champion…

1) Reser’s

Did I miss your favourite macaroni salad? If so, let me know. I’ll go and eat it, God help me.

Whether it’s macaroni, potato, tuna, egg or Ambrosia, make sure you put the salad in your summer this year. See you on the boardwalk!