It’s not autumn until you’re unwedging your front teeth from a candy apple, dodging drunk, angry wasps, and wearing your new parka when it’s 28 degrees outside.

It’s also not autumn until you’re enjoying a glass of apple cider and poking your eye with a cinnamon stick every time you take a sip.

Apple cider (not to be confused with apple cider vinegar which is a whole other ballgame) is a divisive seasonal beverage. Some people hate it. But I’ve never understood why. Unless you find drinking something the colour of puddle water a buzzkill.

A good cider needs to find the balance of tart and sweet, with just the right notes of cinnamon. So, who makes the best apple cider? I taste-tested seven commercial brands while wearing a lavender-scented night mask to ensure I was unbiased. (See photographic evidence below.) I evaluated each cider on colour, smell, texture, and overall taste.

Which cider house ruled and which brand fell far from the tree? Read on to find out.

Longo’s, $5.97

Longo’s is an expensive grocery store. While it’s true their produce section is nicer than the bruised fruit parade at my local No Frills, fresh produce isn’t a priority for me as I mainly eat canned mandarin slices. So, did those perfect Longo’s apples make for a perfect cider?

Tasting Notes: This cider sucked. It was the colour of basement flood water. There wasn’t much of a smell either. It was also very thin, very bland, and missing that strong apple punch I look for in a cider. Time to go back to the orchard, Longo’s. (And please work on your panettone, too.)

President’s Choice, $4.99

Coming in at a hefty three litres, the PC brand offered more bang for your buck than the other ciders. But just because something is larger doesn’t mean it’s gooder. Nevertheless, PC is a classic brand, so my expectations were high. Did this cider shake my tree?

Tasting notes: The cider had a delicate scent and was the colour of tea that’s been sitting in a mug for a year in the staff lunchroom that no one’s taking ownership of. In terms of taste, it was refreshing, but a bit too sweet for my liking. It was more like an apple-flavoured beverage than a cider. In other words, bigger isn’t always better. But if you’re expecting 50 people for Thanksgiving dinner – and peace be with you if you are – go for it.

Naturalia, $4.99

I got this at Metro. I’ve never heard of this brand before (not that I’m a connoisseur of apple cider brands) but it sounded like a Lady Gaga album. I liked the label. It had leaves, which made me think it was closest to nature. The closest you can get in a plastic container, anyway.

Tasting notes: This had a nice, deep bouquet. It was the colour of a peach drink that you sip and then say, “Ooo, that’s off.” In terms of taste, this was the sweetest of the bunch. There was an aftertaste that was hard to put my finger on. Kind of perfume-y. Overall, it was okay, but not the apple of my eye.

Black River Non-Organic, $2.99 (Small Bottle)

I bought two versions of this brand: organic and non-organic. You can really notice the darker colour of the organic version. I guess it’s because there’s more dirt. But was there much difference in the taste?

This had a nice buttery aroma and a bright flavour. But it was the colour of cloudy urine. The cider wasn’t too sweet and had a good, not-too-thick, not-too-thin consistency. If you can get over the urine thing, Black River non-organic is worth your time.

Black River Organic, $2.99 (Small Bottle)

Here’s the organic version, no doubt feeling superior to its pesticide-laden cousin. The colour is dramatically different between the two. It’s like comparing apples and oranges! But how did it taste compared to the non-organic version?

Tasting notes: This had virtually no smell and was the colour of the five rivers of the underworld. It was too tart and tangy and made my mouth a bit phlegmy. (You know what I mean.) Give me the pesticide-laden version any day.

Farm Boy, $4.99

This is the jug that started my apple cider journey. I picked it up on a whim last week. Like Longo’s, Farm Boy is an expensive grocery store although I mainly think you’re paying for the adjectives. But when you think of cider, I must admit the name “Farm Boy” adds an air of authenticity.

Tasting notes: This had a nice aroma and was the colour of gas station squeegee water. It was on the tart side for my liking and made my tongue feel weird. Then again, I had drunk a lot of cider by this point. My tongue was a raisin. All in all, the Farm Boy brand was decent enough, but it wasn’t the pick of the pack.

Bennett’s $7.90

This was the most expensive brand I tested, which is not surprising, considering I bought it at Eataly, another overpriced grocery store. But I liked that there was some history on the side label about how the family has been growing apples in Ancaster, Ontario since 1911.

Tasting notes: This had a good texture and was the colour of liquid that’s been sitting in a bird bath all winter. It had a bright apple taste with a hint of cinnamon. It wasn’t overly sweet. It reminded me of an apple pie. Less the crust. Which, let’s be honest, is the best part of apple pie. Bennett Family, it looks like you’re in the right business.

Overall rankings, worst to best

7. Longo’s

6. President’s Choice

5. Black River Organic

4. Naturalia

3. Farm Boy

2. Black River Non-Organic

1. Bennett’s

There you have it. My fridge handles are so sticky, it took me a half-hour to pry myself free. But these are the lengths I go to in the name of investigative journalism. Did I miss your favourite brand? Leave a comment and spread the cider love

Have a great holiday weekend, whatever you drink. So long as it’s not apple cider vinegar.

Want more seasonal Best and Worst taste tests? Check out my Christmas fruitcake taste test, my egg nog taste test and my panettone taste test.

Update: This past Thanksgiving weekend, I was introduced to warm apple cider with a shot of Fireball Cinnamon Whisky. It was delicious. Suddenly, I know what I’m going to do with all this leftover cider.