Best and Worst Pasta Sauce

I’ve been partnered with an Italian for over 23 years. And in those 23 years, I’ve learned there are some things that Italians hold sacred: a clean house, designer sunglasses and disco singing sensation, Raffaella Carrà.

Another sacred thing? Tomato sauce.

For Italians, a good tomato sauce is more essential than air. In fact, some of them actually breathe it. (They rub a little under their nostrils before going to bed.) Tomato sauce can cause joy, pain or, at its worst, give you “acido.”

As a mangiacake, I’ve been banned from indulging in the commercial Italian cuisine I grew up eating, like Little Caesar’s, Kraft Parmesan Cheese and Chef Boyardi Beefaroni. I can’t even crack open a jar of commercial pasta sauce. The very suggestion will cause a lot of hand gesturing and swear words. 

But I had to wonder: Does commercial tomato sauce really deserve its bad rap with Italians? 

Just look at all that red!

So I convinced my husband to blind taste-test 10 different store-bought pasta sauces. (I have to clean the house for the next year as part of the deal.) The sauces ranged from No-Name to the overpriced gourmet shit and I only used the most basic sauces I could find. So no cheese, meat or mushrooms. Everything was tasted with a piece of crusty bread and we had to spread the testing across a couple of weeks. Otherwise, he said he wouldn’t be able to stomach it. Italian drama queens are the worst.

I also taste-tested the sauces to provide a more balanced caker point of view. Not that it matters to Italians. All the rankings are his. So if you don’t agree, don’t come after me.

The results follow from worst to best. You might be surprised. Let’s just say the Italian was. 

Okay, time to get sauced!

10) Hunt’s Manwich Original Sloppy Joe Sauce, $1.97

Ingredients: Tomato puree (water, tomato paste), water, white vinegar, sugar/glucose-fructose, corn syrup, salt, carrot powder, spices, dehydrated pepper, red pepper flakes, guar gum, xanthan gum, maltodextrin, dehydrated garlic, citric acid, flavour, spice extract

While not technically a tomato sauce, I threw it into the mix just to keep things interesting. Besides, what if Manwich makes for a really good pasta sauce? I could see myself writing to Hunt’s telling them to market it to Italians. But I’d tell them to first change the name to “La Nostra Cara Nonna.”

Looks like ketchup. And is that a nipple in there?

Tasting Notes:
Italian: “Oooh, this is terrible! Very, very sweet. It almost tastes like ketchup.” (Agitated hand motions.) “It’s shit!”

Caker: “It has a nice smoky, vinegar-y BBQ sauce tang to it. I’d use it if I was making traditional Tex-Mex lasagna.”

Verdict: Well, the good news is that Manwich doesn’t need to change its name anytime soon.

9) Classico Di Napoli Tomato & Basil, $2.00

Ingredients: Tomato puree, tomatoes, water, tomato juice, onions, salt, garlic, basic, olive oil, dehydrated garlic, black pepper, citric acid, calcium chloride

It certainly sounded Italian. And just look at that jar! Like it came straight out of Nonna’s cantina. But did the Italian consider this Classico a classic?

Score one for that chunk o’ tomato.

Tasting Notes:

Italian: “The colour is very dark.” (Apparently this is a bad sign.) “I don’t like this at all. It’s perfumey. Not herby.” (Much finger wagging) “This is close to the bottom. I don’t know what else to tell you.”

Caker: “It tastes like a Saje store smells.”

Verdict: If you like your pasta with a side of pot-pourri, you’re in luck. 

8) Primo Thick & Zesty Original Recipe, $1.87

Ingredients: Crushed tomatoes, water, sugar, glucose-fructose, salt, modified corn starch, vegetables (dried onions, garlic, parsley and basil) vegetable oil (canola or soybean), citric acid, spices

Primo is a brand that says authentic Italian to most cakers. After all, there’s an “o” at the end of the word. But was this zesty the besty? 

There’s definitely a green flake thing going on.

Tasting Notes:

Italian: “Very sweet and sugary.” (Violent head shake.) “Not my style at all. I taste a lot of oregano.”

Caker: “This straddles a very fine and delicate line between tomato sauce and salsa. Do we have any tortilla chips in the cupboard?”

Verdict: Primo, you might want to market yourself alongside Tostitos. 

7) Unico Zesty Pasta Sauce, $1.67

Ingredients: Crushed tomatoes, tomato juice or water, sugar, salt, modified corn starch, dehydrated onions and garlic, spices, ground chili, citric acid, olive oil

Another “o” in the name. So you know what that says to the non-Italians. But how did this sauce stand up alongside its zesty cousin?

Just look at all that zesty stuff!

Tasting Notes:

Italian: “Look how dark this is! It doesn’t have too much of a smell. A little tangy.” (Hello?!? It’s “zesty.”) “It hits the back of your throat.”

Caker: “It reminds me of Diana’s BBQ sauce. There’s a vinegary/ketchupy thing going on here. It’s not bad. You could put it on chicken fingers.”

Verdict: The only place zest should be is in your shower soap.

6) Hunts Tomato Sauce, $1.57

Ingredients: Tomato puree (water tomato paste), water, onion powder, citric acid, garlic powder, spice

I wasn’t sure if this was actually a pasta sauce. I mean, it says tomato sauce on the can, but are you supposed to add something to it? Like pepperoni or other traditional Italian ingredients?

You don’t get much more understated than this. I don’t even see an oregano fleck in there.

Tasting Notes:

Italian: “It tastes tomatoey, but there’s a bitter aftertaste. A little acidic and tomato pasty. I don’t like it.”

Caker: “This straddles the very fine and delicate line between tomato sauce and tomato soup. Do we have any soda crackers in the cupboard?”

Verdict: Turns out you do need to add something to the sauce. Flavour.

And now the Top 5! The excitement is mounting. Well, for the cakers. For Italians, it might be more of a feeling of dread.

5) Farm Boy Tomato Basil Sauce, $3.50

Ingredients: Tomatoes (tomatoes, salt, citric acid), onion, garlic puree, olive oil, spices, fresh basil, sugar, salt, white pepper

Farm Boy is like a Canadian Trader Joe’s. The food is expensive and has a lot of adjectives. There’s a mechanical monkey swinging above the bananas in the produce department. Most of the prepared food is pretty good, though. So how did their sauce rank?

This one’s got a bit of chunk. And I like that.

Tasting Notes:

Italian: “It’s got that sweetness to it. Also, it’s salty. But it could be bearable with pasta. Lose the sauce but keep the jar.”

Caker: “It’s sweet and has a nice pulpy texture. A little too basily for my tastes. Not that my tastes have ever carried any weight in this household.”

Verdict: Not a bad showing, but you might need to head back to the farm, boy.

4) No Name Original Pasta Sauce, $1.00

Ingredients: Crushed tomatoes, tomato juice or water, sugar, salt, modified corn starch, dried onions, olive oil, citric acid, spices and herbs, dried garlic, bell pepper powder, dried parsley

I mean, you can’t get more simpler, cheaper or yellower than No Name. It always gets a bad rap, but is its reputation warranted?

Yep, that’s basic.

Tasting Notes:

Italian: “The colour’s not bad. It smells okay. A little watery, thin, basic, simple. I don’t get a real strong anything from this one.” (This is as close to a compliment as you’ll get from an Italian. Trust me.)

Caker: “There’s a subtle aroma. It’s a bit perfumey but it has a pleasant texture and taste.” 

Verdict: A buck never tasted so good.

3) Ragu Old World Style Pasta Sauce, $1.87

Ingredients: Tomato puree (water, tomato paste), soybean oil, salt, sugar, dried onions, extra virgin olive oil, spices, herbs, natural flavour

I grew up eating Ragu but nothing has a worse reputation with Italians. It’s practically a curse word in their language. (“I wish you a lifetime of Ragu!” you’ll often hear in disputes.) But let’s just say one Italian’s Tower of Pisa was about to come crashing down.

Not a fleck in sight.

Tasting Notes:

Italian: “Doesn’t smell overly spicy, which is good. The colour is still a bit dark, which isn’t good. A little sweet, no bitter aftertaste. Meh, it’s the best I’ve tried so far.” 

Caker: “A little basily for my taste, but the texture is good and it has a rich tomato flavour.”

Verdict: Ragu, you RaGO! You’ve justified my entire childhood. 

Footnote: When the Italian found out it was Ragu, the colour drained from his face. Then he went and sat on the sofa, staring silently at the wall for a long time. I still don’t think he’s fully recovered.

2) President’s Choice Sweet Basil, $2.00

Ingredients: Tomatoes, tomato purée, onions, basil, olive oil, salt, garlic, sugar, spices, citric acid

President’s Choice usually has a decent reputation for their products. But there’s no telling what the Italian’s choice would be. 

Thick n’ chunky with some definite flecks poking through.

Tasting Notes:

Italian: “Smells tomatoey and undercooked. The colour is very dark. A little herby and salty. It would probably give me acido, but I could stomach it.” 

Caker: “I’m not getting much of a smell. It feels pretty thick on the tongue. A substantial weight for this one. I don’t mind it.” 

Verdict: Holds its own. Follow with a shot of PC Memories of Szechwan Spicy Peanut Satay Sauce if you’re looking to impress your guests with how worldly you are.

And coming in at number one. . .

1) La San Marzano Marinara Sauce, $7.49 (Look at that price!!!)

Ingredients: Peeled tomatoes, extra virgin olive oil, fresh onions, sea salt, fresh sliced garlic, fresh basil, black pepper, oregano

I was hoping this one wouldn’t fare well so the Italian wouldn’t feel so goddamned vindicated. Somewhere in Italy, a crowding is roaring and waving their flags. As usual with all things Italian, the most ridiculously expensive thing won.

This looks like a pair of pulpy lips.

Tasting Notes: 

Italian: “I can already tell you this one’s better based on the colour. Not much aroma. The consistency is more like homemade. A little salty, not bad, not too acidic. This is the best one.”

Caker: “Are you sure you didn’t like Ragu better?”

Verdict: He’s still gloating. 

And there you have it. I’m not going to say I’m not disappointed that Ragu didn’t win, but I’ll take its third-place finish. I’ve learned that, in any marriage, take whatever victories you can and run with them. Just keep running and running and never look back.

Did I miss your favourite commercial tomato sauce? Leave a comment and share with the four people who read this blog.

In the meantime, I’ll be cleaning the house listening to this Raffaella Carrà song while the husband goes shopping for new sunglasses. 

Buon Appetito!