I’ve never met a potato chip I didn’t like. For me, chips count as one of the four food groups, alongside chocolate, Carnation Sweetened Condensed Milk, and macaroni salad. But once you strip away the salt & vinegar, the ridges, and the Lipton Onion Soup Mix dip, can a plain potato chip stand on its own merits? And which brand is best?

I asked my friend, Scott, to help me taste test 11 different brands of plain potato chips. As a wine-loving Libran, Scott is very opinionated about numerous things, including the “Below Deck” reality TV franchise, horror movies, and Olivia Newton-John. As a fellow chip lover, I also learned Scott puts potato chips in his peanut butter and jam sandwiches. (As a kid, I used to toss a few into my baloney sandwiches.) It just goes to show, a taste test is always an opportunity to find out something strange about your friends.

Prior to our tasting, we established some ground rules. Nothing flavoured or “kettle-cooked,” nothing rippled or low-salt, and neither of us knew which brand we were tasting.

Which chip champed and which was a sp-dud? Read on to find out!

1) Great Value $1.35

Great Value is a Wal-Mart brand. Coming in as the cheapest in our taste test, I can confirm the value was great. But value is one thing; taste is another. How did these chips stack up?

Tasting notes: Scott was impressed by the size of his chip. “It’s tongue-sized,” he said. “It has good texture, and it’s nicely salted. I give this one a hard 7 out of 10. And yes, I’d eat a bag of these.” My chip had a square hole in the middle and dark circles. Based on looks, I was ready to say, “Later, tater.” But I found my chip light and crispy and, while it didn’t make my (potato) eyes roll back, the chip did what it needed to do.

Verdict: Great value, not bad taste.

2) Humble $4.99

The only organic brand we sampled, Humble is a family-owned Canadian brand out of Guelph, Ontario. I thought the coral-coloured bag set it apart from the sea of yellow chip bags on the shelves. But I’m not here for the bag; I’m here for the contents.

Tasting notes: “This chip has an air bubble,” Scott said. “And I’m not a fan of air bubbles in my chips. Does that make me precious?” (The answer is yes.) “I can feel my face frowning as I eat this,” he continued. “The crispiness peaked as it entered my mouth and descended as I ate it. I wouldn’t kick it out of bed after a night of drinking, but it didn’t have the follow-through crispiness I crave.” I found my chip to be more delicate and flakier, rather than crispy. I need a chip with more girth. But if organic is your thing, these chips do the job.

Verdict: No bragging rights.

3) Taylors, $3.99

If there’s one thing the British know, it’s chips. Or, as they call them, crisps. I enjoy saying the word “crisps,” especially if you can squeeze in as many s’s as possible. I liked the blue colour of the bag. It reminded me of the seaside, which felt appropriate. Would this UK brand get the OK from us?

Tasting notes: Scott thought his chip had a nice shape. “It’s like a fabulous hat,” he said. As soon as he bit down, he said, “Mmm. Very crisp, not a lot of salt, but I don’t mind that because it’s really thick without overwhelming me. If flavour were inches, I’d give this a 9.” High praise indeed! I found my chip looked a little suspect, like it was made from potato flakes and not an actual potato slice. It was just a little too smooth, you know? But dang if that chip didn’t have crunch.

Verdict: Worth crossing the pond.

4) Selection, $1.49

Coming in almost as cheap as the Wal-Mart brand, Selection is Metro’s house brand. The bag announced, “Same Great Taste,” but I felt the last half of that sentence was missing. Same great taste as what? Pork n’ beans? Ice cream? Chaulk?

Tasting notes: “She’s not the prettiest,” Scott said when I placed the chip on his plate. “It’s got an oily complexion.” (In other words, me at 15.) He found the taste okay, “But it’s like I have to put the whole chip in my mouth to get the full flavour. This isn’t a nibbling chip.” That said, Scott thought it would make a good addition to his PB and jam sandwiches. I thought my chip had a buttery colour and a good wave. It had a nice, clean finish with no lingering oil taste and a crispiness that lasted throughout the mastication.

Verdict: Same great taste…but we still don’t know as what.

5) No Name, $1.39

I’ve had some mixed success with No Name products over the years. On the one hand, they can be…not bad. And, at other times, it’s not worth saving the 30 cents by going with the inferior cousin of the name brand original.

Tasting notes: “I’m seeing air pockets again,” precious Scott said. “It’s crispy enough with a nice balance of salt, but it’s kind of underwhelming. It feels like I didn’t eat anything.” I liked the size and waviness of my chip. But I found mine too salty and thin. It evaporated in my mouth. If I’m going to eat the calories, I want to feel like it was worth them.

Verdict: No name, no love.

6) Hardbite, $3.99

Another Canadian contender, Hardbite hails from the West Coast. The chips are cooked in small batches. Random fact: In the early ‘90s, I developed the nickname “Hardbite.” Which explains why I didn’t get many dates. Would Scott and I go hard for these chips?

Tasting notes: Scott laughed when I set the tiny chip in front of him. “I’m trying not to be judgmental,” he said. He felt the chip was super crispy and had a Miss Vickie’s vibe. “They’re pretty oily, although I ate this one a lot faster than the others.” I appreciated the nice ripple in my chip. In terms of taste, it immediately brought back memories of the Canadian National Exhibition but not in a good way. All I could taste was the oil. The only way I’d enjoy these is hot, and spiraled around a stick, as I walked around with a giant stuffed animal under my arm.

Verdict: Hard done by.

7) San Carlo, $5.59

These were the most expensive chips in our taste test, which isn’t surprising, since I bought them at Eataly. Italy isn’t the first place that comes to mind when I think of potato chips. According to the bag illustration, Italians eat these chips while riding around on scooters.

Tasting notes: “Are potato chip air pockets more common than I thought?” Scott asked, holding up his chip. “I guess I’ve been too preoccupied with shoving them into my mouth to notice.” He looked very quizzical while he ate his chip. “There’s a mushroom flavour I can’t get past,” he said. Similar to Taylors, I found my chip had a fabricated vibe. The taste was clean and the chip had a nice thickness, but I had my doubts as to whether this was an actual slice of potato or not.

Verdict: Get on your scooter and drive away.

8) Lay’s $2.19 (small bag)

Lay’s is the brand most associated with chips. But is that for good reason? Speaking of things that have been around forever, anyone remember this joke? What did the potato chip say to the battery? “If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito-Lay.” (Sorry, it was much funnier in the fourth grade.)

Tasting notes: “A little oily,” Scott said. “But not in a bad way. There’s good salt. They’re subtle, but sometimes, subtle is a good thing.” Given Scott’s focus on air bubbles, I noted 4 in mine, but I wasn’t bothered. Overall, I found this chip to be perfectly salted, crispy, and light. I found myself licking my lips afterwards. Which, as a middle-aged homosexual, is never a good look.

Verdict: That was a good lay.

9) Festligt, $3.49

I picked these up at Ikea, a place that might come to mind for picture frames, meatballs, and long check-out line-ups that make you want to abandon your cart. But not potato chips. And the colour of the bag was giving me serious red flags. Or was that salmon flags?

Tasting notes: Scott seemed very pensive about his chip. “It looks oily without even tasting it,” he said. After he chomped down, he had this to say: “I’m trying to determine what it tastes like. It doesn’t taste like a potato chip. There’s a cross breeding of oils. I wouldn’t go back for seconds.” I thought my chip had a lunar texture. It was bumpy and had a nice waviness. It looked like a good chip. Then I tasted it. Like Hardbite, the oil taste overwhelmed. I just couldn’t move past it. Or slide past it.

Verdict: Stick to the meatballs.

10) Compliments $2.49

Compliments is Sobey’s house brand. It struck me how this was the fifth yellow bag in our taste test. I wondered if these house brands intentionally go with yellow bags to fool customers into thinking they’re buying Lay’s.

Tasting notes: “Oh, hello lover,” Scott said as I placed a sizeable chip in front of him. “This has a lovely crispness,” he said. “The salt is subtle, but I like that. There’s almost a smoky quality.” My chip was heart-shaped, which I took as a good sign. Overall, I thought it had a good balance of salt and crispiness. Not the best, but not bad either.

Verdict: Our compliments to the chef.

11) Old Dutch $2.19 (small bag)

Old Dutch is a brand that confuses me. On the one hand, they make potato chips. On the other hand, they make cleaning products. Are they the same company? Can an elderly Nederlander shed any insight into this?

Tasting notes: Scott thought his chip seemed a little on the burnt side. “I’ll try not to hold that against it,” he said. He appreciated its smoothness and there were no discernable air bubbles. “It has the texture of a Pringles but doesn’t taste like a Pringles. I could eat a lot of these.” My chip was visually underwhelming and smelled a bit stale. But there was a good snap to it and, overall, this chip was in the running.

Verdict: These chips had us clicking our clogs.

And the chip champ is...

The chips were down when it came time to declare a winner! And it wasn’t unanimous. Scott’s pick was Taylors and mine was a toss-up between Old Dutch and Lay’s, with the eventual winner being Lay’s. I guess I’m a traditionalist at heart. In terms of the worst, I’m giving Hardbite a hard pass on account of the oily taste. And Scott is only shopping for picture frames at Ikea, and saying “hej då” to their chips.

A special thanks to Scott for being such a tater-tastic tester. Check out his horror-obsessed alter ego, Scarlet O’Scara, at rabbitinred.com as well as via his Instagram account. In honour of his favourite sandwich, I made a PB and jam sandwich with potato chips. My verdict? I’ll stick to bologna.

A peanut butter, jam and potato chip sandwich

Did we miss your favourite brand of chips? Do you disagree with our thoughts? Leave a comment and let the world know.