Best and Worst Sugar Cereal
Sugar cereals have always had a bad rap. But I think it’s undeserved. Often, a heaping bowl of sugar, corn syrup and high monounsaturated canola oil is the best way to start your day.
I don’t often indulge in sugar cereals these days because I’ve officially entered my Bran Buds years. But there’s still something comforting about them. True story: The night before Lady Diana’s funeral, I bought a box of Lucky Charms. Mainly because the sugar would help me stay awake in the wee hours of the morning. But there was also something comforting about having a bowl of sugar cereal at a sad moment.
How would the sugar cereals of my childhood hold up against my adult taste buds? I taste-tested 12 classic sugar cereals. As with all of my taste tests, science and consistency were key. I used skim milk (because calories) and assessed them on flavour, shreddability (how much the cereal shredded my upper palette) and bloatability (how long the cereal lasted in milk before getting soggy). And I made note of the sugar content. Not like that’s ever been a deterrent for me. I also poured the cereal into the bowl first, then poured the milk overtop. I know there are some cereal aficionados who believe that adding the cereal after the milk maintains the cereal’s crunch longer, but that’s how I did it as a kid and that’s goddamned good enough for me.
So which sugar cereals sunk and which were ggggrrrreat? We’re starting with the worst and working our way to the best. Grab your spoons and dig in!
12) Alpha-Bits
The cereal that taught generations of kids to spell. I couldn’t find Alpha-Bits at No Frills so I paid $5.99 at my local convenience store. Which proves my long-standing suspicion. Only people who are high with the munchies would pay six bucks for sugar cereal. I’m also suspicious of anything that says “new improved taste.” Unfortunately, when I poured the cereal out, I couldn’t recognize some of the letters. Was that an L? Or a comma?
Tasting notes: The cereal had a good crunch to start and eating all those letters made me feel very literate. But there was a cardboard aftertaste. I don’t think the new, improved taste improved much. Then I noticed the best before date on the box: July 22, 2020, two weeks before my tasting. Note to self: Never grocery shop at convenience stores.
Shreddability: Light to moderate
Bloatability: 18 minutes, 59 seconds
Sugar: 9 g in 28 g
Verdict: Literacy benefits aside, the cereal is a dud. I won’t be picking up another box soon. Unless I’m high.
11) Sugar-Crisp
The only way you’ll ever get a kid – or adult – to eat puffed wheat is to drown it in sugar. That’s because puffed wheat tastes like the Styrofoam bits they use to pack things. Don’t be fooled by the bear in the sweater with the Bing Crosby voice. But I had to wonder: Was I being too puffed wheat prejudiced against Sugar-Crisp?
Tasting notes: Okay, so I was right. The only thing going for Sugar-Crisp is the sugar. And it’s the cereal with the highest amount. Which proves my point. It’s a lot of pieces to put in your mouth in one bite and I couldn’t get the idea of bugs out of my head (I did half a tab of acid when I was 14 and am still dealing with after-effects). That said, there was a nice toastiness to Sugar-Crisp. It wasn’t as horrible as I thought it’d be.
Shreddabilty: Moderate
Bloatability: 6 minutes, 50 seconds
Sugar: 17 g in 30 g
Verdict: “Not as horrible as I thought it’d be” is not exactly a glowing recommendation.
10) Cinnamon Toast Crunch
When we were younger, my sister and I would make cinnamon toast on special mornings. Basically, we’d take a slice of Wonder Bread, toast it, butter the hell out of it and then heap on a mixture of sugar and cinnamon. Then we’d dump the excess sugar and cinnamon into the kitchen zink. (As my mom called it.) So how would this cereal compare to that culinary masterpiece?
Tasting notes: Very, very cinnamon-y. And sugary. I could see the crystals glistening like cavity diamonds on the surface of the flakes. Cinnamon Toast Crunch also made my milk speckled which bothered me because it looked dirty. I have a theory: Cinnamon Toast Crunch is basically Golden Grahams with sugar and cinnamon sprinkled on it. These were too heavily flavoured for me. I’ll stick to my plain, old cinnamon toast any day.
Shreddability: Low
Bloatability: 4 minutes, 16 seconds
Sugar: 9 g in 31 g
Verdict: I felt cinna-bombed by the time I finished my bowl.
9) TimBits Birthday Cake
I thought I’d include a new addition to the sugar cereals scene just to see how it compared against the classics. And there’s never a wrong time of day to have a Timbit – or birthday cake. But how could Mr. Horton hold up against the heavyweights? And was I supposed to fill my bowl with coffee instead of milk?
Tasting notes: These definitely had that fake cake flavour, a vanilla batter vibe. There was an aftertaste, too. Like when an artificial flavour comes up your nose and you breathe out the flavour. You know what I’m talking about. It didn’t take long for the balls to get soggy and I don’t think the sprinkles added any depth of flavour. I kept thinking they were Corn Pops! with acne.
Shreddabilty: High. These balls did a number on my upper palette.
Bloatability: 3 minutes, 13 seconds
Sugar: 13 g in 34 g
Verdict: Thank you, but I’ll stick to my 20-pack of Timbits on my birthday. Or any day.
8) Trix
The box said “Now back” so I guess Trix went somewhere? Come to think of it, I always thought that white rabbit seemed a bit on the edge. They’ve also updated the shapes. When I poured the cereal into my bowl, I was expecting familiar multi-coloured balls. Instead, I got what looked like pieces from Carmen Miranda’s fruit hat.
Tasting notes: It tasted like the Trix I remembered, although what fruit it actually tasted like remains a mystery. The pieces didn’t stay crunchy very long but the colours were vibrant and it was the prettiest cereal I’d seen in a long time. It reminded me of multicoloured popcorn. Which, come to think of it, wouldn’t make a bad breakfast cereal either. Trix was okay, but its big comeback is missing the (fruit) punch.
Shreddabilty: Low to moderate
Bloatability: 3 minutes, 55 seconds
Sugar: 10 g in 32 g
Verdict: Trix me once, but y’aren’t ever going to Trix me twice.
7) Honeycomb
When it comes to satisfying your morning cravings, size really does matter. Or, at least, that’s what the folks behind Honeycomb want you to believe. Honeycomb is big, yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s not small, no, no, no. (I hope whoever wrote that song won the Pulitzer for cereal jingles.) But Honeycomb didn’t seem as big as I remembered. Or maybe my hands are bigger.
Tasting notes: Honeycomb is definitely from the same flavour family as Alpha-Bits, but I found it tastier. You don’t really get a honey flavour so much as a gentle sweetness that doesn’t overpower things. But what’s up with the size? I measured one piece and it was only an inch in diameter! Does that sound big to you? If it does, you need to get out more.
Shreddabilty: Low to moderate
Bloatability: 5 minutes, 38 seconds
Sugar: 10 g in 30 g
Verdict: A dependable sugar cereal. But if you want to go around boasting how big you are, you better hope someone’s not carrying a measuring tape in their back pocket.
6) Corn Pops!
Corn Pops! (don’t forget the exclamation point!) have been around for a long time but they can cause significant damage to the roof of your mouth. Those balls are like sandpaper! And speaking as a middle-aged homosexual, I’ve encountered some rough balls in my day. Nevertheless, Corn Pops! are considered a classic sugar cereal. So is their reputation earned?
Tasting notes: The balls were a little on the large size for my demure mouth, but the flavour was good. And talk about crunch! I burst an eardrum while eating these. In terms of flavour, I didn’t get corn so much as I got sweet. But overall, a good, caramelly, brown sugar flavour. I enjoyed Corn Pops! although the roof of my mouth would beg to differ.
Shreddabilty: High (I’m still healing)
Bloatability: 5 minutes, 48 seconds
Sugar: 10 g in 32 g
Verdict: Delicious. I’d eat Corn Pops! again. Provided I apply a layer of paraffin wax to my upper palette first.
5) Cap’n Crunch
This cereal has always been a mystery to me. What flavour is Cap’n Crunch? What are the shapes? Treasure chests? Barrels? Pillows? And why can’t they spell “captian” correctly? Still, this cereal is a bonafide classic, even if the Cap’n is a thief who’s stolen the teeth of countless children over the years.
Tasting Notes: True to its name, there was definite crunch action going on although I’d define it more as crispy than crunchy. There was a nice, brown sugary taste in these little barrels/pillows/treasure chests but fuck if I know what they’re supposed to taste like. I reminded myself that overthinking anything, especially sugar cereal, takes away its magic. Just eat and watch cartoons.
Shreddability: High
Bloatability: 6 minutes, 27 seconds
Sugar: 12 g in 30 g
Verdict: If you’re craving something sweet, you’ve found your treasure chest.
4) Frosted Flakes
You can’t get more Hall of Fame than Frosted Flakes. And with a trustworthy spokesperson like Tony the Tiger (not to be confused with Tiger King, a whole other cartoon character), how could you go wrong? I don’t know what Tony was promoting on the box as I’m not really into sports. I’m guessing it was a football or something?
Tasting notes: The nice thing is that the sugar coating on the flakes melts away in milk, so you can almost convince yourself you’re eating regular cornflakes. What I liked about Frosted Flakes is that there’s nothing fancy about them. They’re just plain and simple, like me. The wavy texture of the flakes kept things interesting. It was like eating sweet Miss. Vickie’s chips, which, come to think of it, might be something I need to pitch to Arlene Dickinson.
Shreddability: Low to moderate
Bloatability: 8 minutes, 42 seconds
Sugar: 10 g in 28 g
Verdict: A classic for good reason. They’re prrrrretty good!
3) Nesquik
Does anyone know what happened to Cocoa Puffs or Count Chocula? I couldn’t find either anywhere. Nesquik seemed like a reasonable substitute and the good lord knows I downed enough Nestle Quik chocolate powder as a kid. But would they give me that chocolate kick I needed?
Tasting notes: These were delicious. The pea-sized balls were the perfect shape. Smaller than Corn Pops! and much less abrasive. Plus, the hint of cocoa made them not overly sweet. And true to what the box promised, my milk did turn chocolately. The only thing missing was the chocolate marshmallows. Count Chocula, why did you leave? I only hope you’re hanging out with Booberry and Frankenberry in a bar right now.
Shreddability: Low to moderate
Bloatability: 10 minutes, 45 seconds
Sugar: 9 g in 29 g
Verdict: I went a little cuckoo for these.
2) Lucky Charms
Any time a leprechaun is trying to sell you something, proceed with caution. They’re very sly and crafty. I’m speaking from experience. Also, never trust anyone wearing buckled shoes, regardless of their height. Having said that, Lucky Charms has been around for a long time. And can we talk about how far marshmallow technology has come? Say goodbye to your green clovers and blue diamonds and hello to shooting stars, rainbows and unicorns!
Tasting notes: Let’s be honest. Everyone is here for the squeaky, crispy marshmallows, not the boring, beige bits in between. But while eating a bowl of Lucky Charms, I realized those beige bits actually improve the cereal because they balance out the over-sweetness of the marshmallows. And yes, after I was done, I kept fishing for more marshmallows straight from the box. Some things haven’t changed since I was eight.
Shreddability: Low
Bloatability: 4 minutes, 3 seconds
Sugar: 9 g in 28 g
Verdict: The cereal I kept going back to more than all the others. That damn leprechaun cast a spell on me.
And coming in at Number 1. . .
1) Golden Grahams Crunch
I’ve always thought of Golden Grahams as the most sophisticated sugar cereal. That could be because there’s no nerdy cartoon character named Graham on the box. Also, Golden Grahams used to come in a foil bag, which gave it that sense of luxury. So I was disappointed to see a boring, old cellophane bag when I opened the box. And I don’t think “crunch” was always part of the name, was it?
Tasting notes: Immediately, that burnt marshmallow-y flavour set in. Or maybe I thought I tasted it because the graham cracker flavour reminded me of s’mores. Anyway, this cereal has serious flavour depth. It was kind of smoky, sweet and those ridged squares slid perfectly past my quivering lips. They should’ve changed the name to Golden Grahams Crack.
Shreddability: Low
Bloatability: 2 minutes, 34 seconds
Sugar: 10 grams per 31 grams
Verdict: A hands-down winner. I could eat a whole box. The only thing missing was a campfire and the smell of Off.
And there you have it! Did I miss a sugar cereal that you think should be on the list? I encourage both of my readers to leave a comment and let me know!
But, Brian, the two of you might be asking, what did you do with all that leftover sugar cereal? Well, you’ll be happy to know I made my version of Rice Krispies Squares. I’m christening them “Lucky Frosted Honey Corn Cinnamon Squares.” And they’ll claim whatever teeth I have remaining after this taste test.
Added bonus! Use an empty cereal box as a container to take to your next bake sale! Never accuse anyone of stealing your Tupperware container again.