For better or worse, eggnog is a divisive holiday beverage. (Even more divisive than Coffee Mate’s Frosted Gingerbread.) Hate it or love it, there’s no middle ground. But what turns people off eggnog? The nutmeg? The phlegmy texture? Its raw egg origins? Or maybe it’s that, on the French side of the carton, it reads “lait de poule” which translates in English to “chicken milk.”

Yeah, that could be it.

But does eggnog deserve more love in this cold, cruel world? And, if you’re willing to give it another try, where should you start?

When I recently saw author Amy Jones tweet about her love of eggnog, I reached out to see if she might be open to doing a joint taste test. I was thrilled when she said yes, so here’s our investigative report.

We blind taste-tested seven varieties of eggnog, evaluating them on colour, consistency and taste. We did not go for any of that flavoured crap, like peppermint, chocolate or matcha. Nor did we add rum. No one needs to hear “thissizjusgreat!!!” after the fifth taste test.

What did we learn? Well, the divisiveness over eggnog is loud and clear even among its fans. Needless to say, the results of this study are pretty controversial.

Without further delay, let’s get down to business. Overall rankings will follow at the end.

President’s Choice The World’s Best Eggnog $2.97

Talk about some big claims! The world’s best? And how could anyone really know for sure unless you tried every single eggnog in the world? But the black carton did lend this brand an air of sophistication. So how did it taste?

Amy says: I really wanted not to like this. How can you root for something that calls *itself* “world’s best?” But it might have been my favourite—I kept going back to it, even after I had been drinking eggnog for so long my tongue had acquired that shrivelly, just-out-of-the-bathtub feeling I always get when I eat/drink too many sweet things. I thought it had a nice strong nutmeg flavour, and I could actually taste the “touch of rum” it claims to have on the carton—it even kind of looked like it had some rum swirled through it (all of which made me just want to add more rum). It was also a bit sweeter than I normally would like, but it was balanced so well with the spices and creaminess that I didn’t really mind it. Damn you, Galen Weston! Colour: A swirly, creamy cloud of deliciousness.

Brian says: At first sight, this one was the thickest of the bunch. It was a soft, creamy yellow and gave me a whiff of rum. In terms of taste, it was creamy, but not overly sweet and provided a nice richness. I wouldn’t call this the “world’s best” but definitely a contender in certain parts of the province. Although calling it “Southwestern Ontario’s Best Eggnog” loses some of the sizzle.

Compliments $2.50

Compliments is Sobey’s version of President’s Choice. I was a little underwhelmed by the packaging. There’s not a single adjective on the carton. Not one “rich,” not one “creamy.” Just images of people frolicking in the same red coat. And eggnog is spelled as two words, but it should be one, right? Grammar police, I think it’s time to make an arrest in Aisle 7.

Amy says: This one was so thin and flavourless it felt a bit like I was drinking sweet, watery skim milk, which is never good. Plus, the colour was super off-putting. Like, did they even put any spices in it at all? Who knows? All in all, pretty bad, but not the worst, just because the flavour was pretty much non-existent rather than being *actually bad.* Colour: Minion tears

Brian says: My nostrils detected a nice, subtle hint of rum and the colour was a deeper yellow, which bolstered my expectations. But it was very thin and too sweet for me. There was too much milky going on and not enough noggy. And there wasn’t enough nutmeg. I wish I could give this brand more of a “compliment.”

Neilson $1.97

This is the tried-and-true brand I remember as a child. I don’t think the packaging has changed since the seventies. And, in case any Generation Z types are reading this, yes, we travelled by horse and sleigh in the seventies. We also wrapped our presents in bark and all of our toys required 18 “D” batteries. So would this classic hold up?

Amy says: This eggnog is the reason that people think they don’t like eggnog. Despite the fact that it had the cutest carton, it was way too sweet and eggy, with an unpleasant aftertaste, and had that mucous-y mouthfeel and colour that I think really turns people off (I mean, I’m turned off just typing those words). Colour: Phlegm drying on the sidewalk

Brian says: This was very light in colour and had little aroma and seemed a bit thin. But overall, it had a very good taste. It was rich, had a nice thickness to it and just the right amount of nutmegginess and sweetness. It charged my batteries, all 18 of them.

Panache $2.50

This was a new brand for me. I was excited although upon further investigation, I realized it was another Sobey’s product (note the spelling of eggnog). I think it had the nicest packaging. That starburst design was giving me a serious Bing Crosby in a Santa hat vibe. But was Panache all style with no substance?

Amy says: I had never tried this eggnog before, and I thought it was fairly middling. It was sweeter than I generally prefer, but not the sweetest; thicker than some, but not the thickest. It had an okay flavour, but nothing really stood out—other than the colour, which was a bit on the unnaturally yellow side for me. Overall, it was a real middle-of-the-road experience. Colour: Amoxicillin

Brian says: I thought this was a pretty shade of yellow. I’d want to paint my bedroom this colour, but it didn’t give me much hope in terms of that depth of flavour I was searching for. It was too watery for my palate and left behind a chalky aftertaste. Panache, I think you need more substance and less style. Also, I had to google Amoxicillin. Amy’s vocabulary is much better than mine. I won’t be playing Scrabble with her any time soon.

President’s Choice Rich & Creamy $3.47

Any dairy beverage that doesn’t need to be refrigerated is weird. I mean, what kind of preservatives are they putting in there so it can stay room temperature? There are two other varieties: Candy cane and chocolate. Both are the evil stepsisters to the original and should be avoided at all costs, IMHO. Was there a difference between this version and the President’s Choice World’s Best?

Amy says: This is the eggnog I usually buy, and I was interested to see how it held up against the others. It was definitely the thickest and creamiest, and the only one that seemed “frothy.” It smelled more nutmeggy than some of the others, although I thought it didn’t really follow through with the taste. It was less sweet than the others, but the flavour also was not as deep. I was a little disturbed by the fact that while the other nogs had an expiry date within a couple of weeks, this one was best before April. Also, interestingly, the first time I encountered it in the store, it was actually on the shelf, not in the refrigerator section (although now they *do* keep it in the refrigerator section, perhaps just to keep people from freaking out about it being on the shelf? Or maybe they changed the recipe.) Anyway, all this makes me kind of wonder what is actually in it, which is never a good thing. Colour: Coffee cream that’s been left out on the counter a little too long

Brian says: This was very pale in colour and almost looked more like cream to me than eggnog. There was very little aroma. In terms of taste, it was like drinking vanilla cake batter. Which I’m not opposed to, I mean, we’ve all been there, right? I just don’t want to be drinking liquid Duncan Hines when I want eggnog.

Wild cards!

Despite our best efforts, Amy and I weren’t able to find all the same brands. So I taste-tested a sixth brand, Beatrice, while she taste-tested a seventh, Sealtest. (I later found out it’s available at Wal-Mart, but hello?!? I aren’t going there at this time of the year.) So here are our individual evaluations for each.

Beatrice (I don’t remember the price, but I’m guessing three bucks or so.)

Brian says: I got this at my local Rabba. It was a Friday night, I was lonely and, like a lot of lonely people at Rabba on a Friday night, this was an impulse buy. But would I regret this?

This had the darkest yellow colour of all the brands. I’d even venture to say it was golden. There was a strong nutmeggy aroma and, in terms of consistency, it had a nice balance between thick and thin. It was full of flavour, with even a hint of caramel on the finishing notes. I suppose this makes sense. Beatrice makes dairy products, after all. It just goes to show that not everything you buy on a Friday night at Rabba is something you regret the next morning.

Sealtest $2.18

Amy says: Sealtest is not Beatrice. Or ... maybe it is. If I learned anything during this eggnog taste test it’s that the world of Canadian dairy conglomerates is extremely convoluted and I may never understand it. In any case, I bought this Sealtest nog in a panic at Walmart (because how else does one ever shop at Walmart, really) and decided, for the sake of thoroughness, to add it to my roster.

I was surprised by how much I liked this one. It had the best smell, and it followed through in the flavour, which was a good balance of cream, rum, and nutmeg, with a pleasant vanilla-y aftertaste. It was eggy, but in a good way. The only drawback was it was surprisingly yellow—I can’t help it, I drink with my eyes first! Colour: Melted canary yellow crayons

And here are our rankings!

Amy

6th Place: Neilson

5th Place: Compliments

4th Place: Panache

3rd Place: PC Rich & Creamy

2nd Place: Sealtest

1st Place: PC World’s Best

Brian

6th Place: PC Rich & Creamy

5th Place: Panache

4th Place: Compliments

3rd Place: PC World’s Best

2nd Place: Neilson

1st Place: Beatrice

The only thing that Amy and I agreed on is the relative crappiness of Compliments and Panache. And that our wild cards, Sealtest and Beatrice, were both classics for good reason. The rest is pretty varied. Which just goes to show: One person’s eggnog is another person’s chicken milk.

Thank you for your help, Amy! You were a real eggnog trooper and I always appreciate the hard work of my fellow investigative journalists. You can find out more about Amy and her books, including her most recent, “Every Little Piece of Me” by visiting her author website.

Happy holidays, everyone! And if we missed your favourite brand, leave a comment so that we can continue to spread the eggnog love! In the meantime, I’m putting on my stretchiest pantsuit and polishing these off. And for more seasonal taste tests, check out my fruitcake taste test and my panettone taste test.